Today in class we discussed the adjustments we make at the beginning of marriage. I really enjoyed this lesson/discussion because I'm a newly wed and I either am going through some of those adjustments right now or recently did. Some of the adjustments mentioned was coordinating schedules with your spouse, accommodation, changing habits and routines, sleeping adjustments and family traditions. The one I brought up is the adjustment of not taking your problems to your parents like you might be used to, but discuss them with your spouse. Especially if they are marital issues. If you took your problems and complained to mom, it isn't going to help the problem. Who is the problem with? Your spouse? Then go discuss it and figure it out with that person. Your parents can't help you with your marital problems, but will probably make it worse. One student in my class commented that it could warp how your parents see your spouse and start to see them as someone who doesn't treat you right or someone with a bunch of issues. That's not fair to give your spouse that kind of appearance to your parents. You might ruin what was once a good relationship between them.
I remember getting this advice from a friend at my wedding reception and I still remember and take that advice seriously. I have been very private with my marriage problems where only my husband and I are aware of it and we figure them out together. I think it's some of the best advice and I would advise it to every married couple. If you take your problems to your parents, then you aren't communicating with your spouse and lack of communication is a huge cause of divorce. Please don't take communication with your spouse lightly. You will become even closer if you and your spouse can bring up and discuss problems and figure them out together. That is important in a marriage. I've been married for almost two years now, and I already see and appreciate the importance of this matter.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Week 5: Love
We learned about the different types of love. There are four types: Agape, Storge, Eros, and Phillia. Agape is the type of love that is independent of one's feelings. It has to do with an intention and is not feeling-based. Storge is the kind of love that a parent has for their child. Eros is the popular type of love that everyone sings about which is the passionate and sexual love. Many people think Eros is what true love is and many relationships are built off of it, but then they fail. The last one is Phillia, which is when you have a sense and want of closeness, friendliness and brotherly love.
When asked which ones we need for a marriage or relationship to work well, I immediately recognized that all four are needed. As I said earlier, there are many relationships of just Eros and because they only have the romance and sexual love and nothing else, they don't endure or last. I believe their needs to be a balance of all four types of love.
You may be confused by how Storge would be important in marriage. Well what comes to mind when you think of how a parent who loves their child treats them? I think of the sense of responsibility and the want and need to take care of them. I feel that way for my husband. I think that's why in a lot of families, they joke that Dad is one of Mom's kids. When my husband gets sick, I want and do my best to help him in his sickness. When he has any kind of a problem, I try to help him figure it out. Whenever his self-confidence goes down, I do my best to bring it back up as high as I can. He does the same for me. Our moms used to have that role, but since we've been married, we fill in those categories. A wife replaces a mother in many ways. This is my proof that Storge love has not only a place in a marriage, but a big place. It's our feelings of taking care of each other come from.
Having Agape shows that you can love your spouse even when you aren't getting along. Your love won't fade even if you aren't currently "in love" with them. It's very important to have in a relationship because it helps it endure. Phillia is also important to have, in my opinion, because it's hard to be married to someone if you don't have a friendship as well. Many spouse's say that they married their best friend. I did as well. Because of our friendship, we can laugh with each other and get along well. A relationship without a friendship is hard to have last.
Therefore, if you want to have a relationship that has a good chance of succeeding, make sure that you can identify Agape, Storge, Eros and Phillia within it. It definitely wouldn't have a chance without all four types of love.
When asked which ones we need for a marriage or relationship to work well, I immediately recognized that all four are needed. As I said earlier, there are many relationships of just Eros and because they only have the romance and sexual love and nothing else, they don't endure or last. I believe their needs to be a balance of all four types of love.
You may be confused by how Storge would be important in marriage. Well what comes to mind when you think of how a parent who loves their child treats them? I think of the sense of responsibility and the want and need to take care of them. I feel that way for my husband. I think that's why in a lot of families, they joke that Dad is one of Mom's kids. When my husband gets sick, I want and do my best to help him in his sickness. When he has any kind of a problem, I try to help him figure it out. Whenever his self-confidence goes down, I do my best to bring it back up as high as I can. He does the same for me. Our moms used to have that role, but since we've been married, we fill in those categories. A wife replaces a mother in many ways. This is my proof that Storge love has not only a place in a marriage, but a big place. It's our feelings of taking care of each other come from.
Having Agape shows that you can love your spouse even when you aren't getting along. Your love won't fade even if you aren't currently "in love" with them. It's very important to have in a relationship because it helps it endure. Phillia is also important to have, in my opinion, because it's hard to be married to someone if you don't have a friendship as well. Many spouse's say that they married their best friend. I did as well. Because of our friendship, we can laugh with each other and get along well. A relationship without a friendship is hard to have last.
Therefore, if you want to have a relationship that has a good chance of succeeding, make sure that you can identify Agape, Storge, Eros and Phillia within it. It definitely wouldn't have a chance without all four types of love.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Week 4: The Sibling Effect
Honestly, we only talked about siblings for one day, but I really liked the article I read about it. A professor from BYU did a study on sisters and found that they are really good for children to have. Sure they fight and can pick on each other, but through those fights, children learn how to make up, forgive, and move on. Siblings in general help with that, so it seems that children who have no siblings don't get as many chances. Another good thing about sisters is that they give siblings better mental health. Something about having a sister can help prevent a child from feeling down in the dumps. I should probably clarify that not just any siblings and sisters have these effects, but the loving ones that do.
I found myself thinking back at my childhood. I grew up with two brothers (one older, one younger) and two older sisters. I really do think having those siblings helped me feel better about myself, and I can see that my sisters did help me from feeling down in the dumps a lot. Whenever they saw that my self esteem was low, they would do their best to show me everything that was great about me. One sister was only a couple grades higher than me in school and my younger brother was one grade below. Because of that we often were in the same school for a couple years in elementary, middle and high school. Whenever we saw or passed each other in the hallway, we always said hi, gave each other a hug or high fived each other if we had little time and the halls were too crowded. Seeing them always made me happy and lifted my spirits, even if I was having a rough day. I had four loving siblings that I would of course scrabble with, but I know that if I didn't have them, I would seriously be lacking. Even today, I find myself needing their love and support. Three of my four siblings happen to be attending the same University as me and it has been so much fun being around them often. They became my best friends, though we still get in arguments every now and then.
I believe that as more and more families have less and less children, they are unintentionally depriving them of a better childhood. I hope that there will come a day where families will come to see the negative affect having less children has on the one child that they do have.
I found myself thinking back at my childhood. I grew up with two brothers (one older, one younger) and two older sisters. I really do think having those siblings helped me feel better about myself, and I can see that my sisters did help me from feeling down in the dumps a lot. Whenever they saw that my self esteem was low, they would do their best to show me everything that was great about me. One sister was only a couple grades higher than me in school and my younger brother was one grade below. Because of that we often were in the same school for a couple years in elementary, middle and high school. Whenever we saw or passed each other in the hallway, we always said hi, gave each other a hug or high fived each other if we had little time and the halls were too crowded. Seeing them always made me happy and lifted my spirits, even if I was having a rough day. I had four loving siblings that I would of course scrabble with, but I know that if I didn't have them, I would seriously be lacking. Even today, I find myself needing their love and support. Three of my four siblings happen to be attending the same University as me and it has been so much fun being around them often. They became my best friends, though we still get in arguments every now and then.
I believe that as more and more families have less and less children, they are unintentionally depriving them of a better childhood. I hope that there will come a day where families will come to see the negative affect having less children has on the one child that they do have.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Week 3: Family Generational Patterns
In class today, our teacher brought up multi-generational patterns found in families. He gave an example of how there's a chain from his father up the line where the father was uninvolved or disengaged with their children and how the second oldest child/son took over the fatherly example in the family because something happened to the first child/son and the father was absent a lot, if not always. He noticed that his father was probably always working because his father was the same way and that was what he was used to.
We tend to follow the trend of our parents. It's not intentional, but that's what we were exposed to and observed growing up. They are what are familiar to us, and familiar comes from family. Some trends may be good and some may be bad. We need to make sure that we make a conscious effort to be different when we catch ourselves with the bad trends we may have gotten from our family and use only the good on our spouse and children.
We tend to follow the trend of our parents. It's not intentional, but that's what we were exposed to and observed growing up. They are what are familiar to us, and familiar comes from family. Some trends may be good and some may be bad. We need to make sure that we make a conscious effort to be different when we catch ourselves with the bad trends we may have gotten from our family and use only the good on our spouse and children.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Week 2: The Symbolic Interaction Theory
This Monday in class, we discussed our reading of the many types of theories that are related to the family. There are systems theories, exchange theories, symbolic interactions, and conflict. The one that interested me the most was the symbolic interaction. Symbolic interaction is about the behaviors in relationships that have meanings. These behaviors may cause confusion because the meaning may not be shared between both people. Because of this confusion, symbolic interaction can lead to frustration, disappointment, and dissolution. It can lead to conflict and even ruin the relationship. Our teacher shared an example of a married couple he counseled. They had a symbolic interaction problem and because of it, they were wanting a divorce. He would speak to each person alone first about their behavior and their meaning behind it and how they feel about their spouse's behavior. Afterward, he had them back together in the room and had them explain the meaning behind their behaviors to each other. After some time of them being aware of how they come off to the other spouse and realize how better to express themselves and understand the other's meaning in behavior, they got along much better. They fell completely in love with each other again and didn't go through with the divorce.
I have been married to my sweetheart for almost 2 years and this made me aware of how important communication is in order to understand my husband's true meanings behind certain behaviors. Also, for him to know what's going on inside my head. I hope that all those who read this post will keep this in mind for all their current and future relationships. Try to understand their true feelings and meaning behind the behavior and actions. Look at yourself and make sure that your true meanings are being properly accepted by others and you don't confuse them. This will surely help relationships in a big way.
I have been married to my sweetheart for almost 2 years and this made me aware of how important communication is in order to understand my husband's true meanings behind certain behaviors. Also, for him to know what's going on inside my head. I hope that all those who read this post will keep this in mind for all their current and future relationships. Try to understand their true feelings and meaning behind the behavior and actions. Look at yourself and make sure that your true meanings are being properly accepted by others and you don't confuse them. This will surely help relationships in a big way.
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